A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”
Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”
“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you, “the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”
An elderly woman was returning home from a Thursday mid-week service at her local church. As she unlocked her door, an intruder startled her.
She caught the man in the very act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
‘STOP! Acts 2:38!’
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer handcuffed the man to take him to gaol, he asked the burglar, ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was quote a scripture to you.’
‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘I thought the lady had an axe and two 38′s!’
The Book of Acts Chapter 2, Verse 38 says : Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.
Today is Tuesday and I don’t know what to post. Should I post a joke? Should I post something political. Yes I know politics today can be considered a joke. Should I post something about what’s happening in Florida or how things are falling apart in Chicago and Illinois where I used to live? I just can’t make up my mind.
Soooo… Let me share this little story with you.
The President Obama had a heart attack, and his doctor told him to a farm to relax for several weeks. The big “O” went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to some politician, not working his whole life just sitting in an office, will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the President finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the the President a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the President will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the President to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the President was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked Obama: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”
Obama answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.
Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Bert’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Bert’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells.